Review: Womanizer Pro W500

Yes, I’m going to start this review off with a rant. Can we rename this thing for fuck’s sake? Who the hell thought “Womanizer” was a good name for sex toy? That word generally has negative connotations pretty much everywhere. Every time I hear the name in my head I think of this guy[1. Which might be totally appropriate because Germans inexplicably love the Hoff.] and that’s not conducive to my masturbatory success.

I thought maybe since the company is German, they had lost something in translation. And I’m not even close to being the only blogger who HATES the name of this thing. In fact, it nearly turned me off from even trying to get one for review. But then other reviews started coming in and I was intrigued. Some said they loved it and some hated it. I had to try it. I had to know what the big deal was about the suction plus vibration (at least I thought that’s what this thing was going to do).

I lied – I have one other little rant to get out of the way. Who the hell styled this thing? It looks like a bedazzled Barbie ear thermometer. Seriously, the rhinestones and cheesy prints were totally unnecessary. I also received the one that I find most unattractive – the leopard print. Rawr. It reminds me of being at the skating rink when I was a kid, wearing that off-the-shoulder animal print shirt with jelly shoes and jelly bracelets up to my elbow and neon everything… rocking out to some Cyndi Lauper[2. Which is actually a pretty positive memory so maybe that can cancel out the creepy mental images of the Hoff.].

OK, I do have to give credit where it’s due. I have the second generation Womanizer Pro W500 and its styling is a slight bit better than the original model. Still, animal print and rhinestone power buttons just didn’t need to happen.

But I care more about how it feels than how it looks so, I had to get my hands on one anyway. And if it weren’t for the generous folks who make the Womanizer Pro, I probably wouldn’t have gotten one. So, I have to give them a big thank you and I apologize for the rants… sort of.

Alright, awful name and tacky 1980s aesthetic aside, how does this thing feel?

At first, it didn’t feel right – at all. I couldn’t figure it out. I stopped to regroup, added more lube and tried again. This time, I found sort of technique where I wiggle it ever so slightly. Level four seemed to work the best for me. The higher intensity levels are too strong and made me feel numb, which I thought it wasn’t supposed to do. Eventually, it produced a fairly powerful orgasm that felt like if I kept going I’d squirt but I didn’t want to so I stopped. I waited a moment and then for shits and giggles, tried it again and achieved another orgasm much easier than the first and it felt just as intense.

I’m at a loss to describe exactly what this thing feels like. I am also at a total loss to explain exactly why I like it. There is a gentle suction plus vibration thing happening. Although, it’s not precisely a sucking action either. It’s perplexing. It’s like puffing air or something. The company says it’s an “air touch/pulse air/wind kiss/touch less/pressure wave intimate stimulator”. Many reviewers far more articulate that I am have struggled to describe the sensation. This is definitely nothing like a clit pump, if that’s what you were imagining. While the higher settings were too strong for me, the levels that do work for me are more subtle than I thought I would ordinarily need yet, somehow it works. It’s like magic.

It feels vaguely like when dizzyguy gives me oral and he sucks gently on my clit, except the Womanizer Pro is more rhythmic, remains consistent and doesn’t get tired. Anorgasmia makes it nearly impossible for me to orgasm from oral sex so, it’s definitely not a lack of technique on dizzyguy’s part. I just need a machine that can do things humans can’t. And apparently the Womanizer Pro is one such machine.

You do kind of create a seal with the tip of it on your clit. Just holding it stationary and letting it do its bewildering brand of stimulation wasn’t working really well for me so I added a slight wiggling motion and THAT did it. If you don’t get the tip positioned just right, there are some pretty hilarious slurping and gurgling sounds that happen. I kind of like the sensation of it even when it’s not sealed, though the noise is distracting.

The Womanizer Pro is a nightmare to clean. Sure, the silicone tip[3. Two are included and replacement tips are available.] pops off and that’s easy enough to wash with soap and water but the unit itself is not even splash-proof so, I use a cleaning wipe and try to get into all the nooks and crannies.

I wasn’t sure how it could be possible that you can use lube[4. Water-based lube is recommended.] with this thing. I thought it would get sucked up into it but when it came time to clean it, I didn’t find lube anywhere other than on the removable tip. This thing just befuddles me. I don’t know how it works and I don’t know why it works. To further confuse me, the tip glows red while in use for absolutely no discernible reason[5. They say it’s so you can use it in the dark.]. It is an enigma.

Wondering what the differences are between the original Womanizer W100 and the new Womanizer Pro W500 (other than the price hike)? The Pro W500 has 8 levels of intensity vs. the W100’s 5 levels. It’s supposed to be quieter. The silicone tip is larger to accommodate a larger clitoris. The styling is slightly better. And that’s about it, according to the literature that I have.

The Womanizer Pro is USB rechargeable. The one I received came from Germany and has a European outlet adapter and USB cable. I don’t know if the American packaging will be any different.  If it does not include the appropriate outlet adapter, you can pick one up here.

There is just no way to compare the Womanizer Pro to any other sex toy because nothing out there does what this thing does – whatever the hell it’s doing. I can genuinely say that they managed to create something totally unique and innovative. So few toys that make that claim really deserve it but this one actually does.

I honestly have no idea who I could recommend this toy to because it is so different from everything else out there. I can say that if you like wand massagers and need that kind of broad stimulation then the Womanizer Pro is probably not going to work for you.

Bottom line? I like it but I have no idea why. This thing really shouldn’t work for me but somehow, it does. It succeeds in giving me orgasms and I’m just going to have to accept the fact that I don’t understand how it works.

The Womanizer Pro W500 was provided by epi24 GmbH in exchange for an unbiased review.