Review: Closet Collection Lady Jadore

The Closet Collection Lady Jadore is no longer available at any of my affiliate retailers. Maybe this is a blessing because, I don’t recommend anyone buying it.

I just don’t know. I really don’t. It’s just wrong… so, wrong. The Closet Collection Lady Jadore is an utter and complete failure on every level¹. Part of me wonders if it was actually designed for human genitalia. Perhaps if extraterrestrial beings came to Earth, hell-bent on destroying us, we could give them a bunch of these. It would either fit their genitalia perfectly and they would be too grateful to destroy us or, they’d be so perplexed that they’d forget that they wanted to. Actually, I’d like to put this thing in a time capsule so that say, 50 maybe 100 years from now, someone could dig it up and wonder what the fuck it’s for. ‘Cause it sure as hell ain’t built for masturbating.

See, the smaller end on this vibrator can rotate around 360 degrees (which I thought was sort of cool) but try as I might, I couldn’t find a single way to use it that came close to feeling even kind of good. Yet, the folks at Closet Collection were so sure they had this amazing multitasking sex toy that they included diagrams of the various ways it could be used. Behold (and try not to laugh)…

Yeah uhm, I don’t think any of those are gonna work.

First I tried it in the way that I think most vulva owners would – as sort of a rabbit vibe. It didn’t feel good at all when I tried to push it into my vagina. I think it might have been the totally useless sculpting on the head. Ever the optimist, I just pushed harder and it finally popped in rather abruptly. I pushed it in farther, trying to get the small end to reach my clit and was met with more discomfort. Apparently, it was bottoming out and the small end was still too far away from my clit. OK, I thought- I just need to relax and get aroused more and let the ol’ vagina expand… ya know, like they do. So I gently thrust while trying to think sexy thoughts. Eventually, I could push it in deep enough that the small end rested on my clit. And after all of that work, it was a total let down.

The vibrator in the small end is very weak and buzzy. Plus there are these little bumps on its surface that my clit didn’t care for (think cat tongue). I tried to make the most of it, I really did. But there was just no pleasure to be had and no hope of ever getting off with this thing. To make matters worse, there is absolutely no good place or way to hold onto it. Trying to put everything where you want it and move it around in some kind of pleasurable way just creates a huge slippery lube covered mess. I guess that’s why handles are so useful.

I already wanted to light this thing on fire and write a nasty letter to Closet Collection, shaming them for having created such an abomination and be done with it. But I knew my testing wasn’t over. I knew my dear readers would want to know if it worked in the ass. And so, even though I’ve not been in much of a mood for sticking things in my ass lately… I tried. I did it all for you, just so I could be certain that this thing is a failure on all fronts.

First I tried it with the shaft oriented to hit the G-spot and the small end twisted around in the direction of my ass. I had the same problem as before. No matter how deep I pushed the shaft into my vagina, the small end was still too far away to reach my ass. So, I twisted the shaft down to the 6:00 position (opposite the G-spot) and the small end could now reach my ass. OK, now what? I got a shaft in my vag that doesn’t feel particularly great and I got this little buzzy thing tickling my anus. Is this pleasure? Would someone actually like this? I’m not judging anyone who would, I’m just saying – I don’t get it. Then I thought, well maybe the small end has to actually go in my ass for it to feel really good. But it wouldn’t go in. It was kind of like trying to push a slippery limp penis into my ass². It just wasn’t happening.

So, I think I gave the Lady Jadore a fair shot. I gave it every chance I could to not totally suck but it did anyway. I supposed I could have fumbled around with it more and tried some other configurations but really… why? The only way this thing gave me any kind of pleasurable feelings is when I used the head of the vibrating shaft on my clit… and I have much better toys for doing that.

After reading all that, I’m not sure who would still be interested in the details but I’ll give you a quick run down. The Lady Jadore is about 6” from the tip of the shaft to the swivel point and in theory, all of that is insertable. The thickest part of the shaft is 1.67” in diameter. The small end rises about 3” above the swivel point and it’s about 1” in diameter. It comes in 3 colors – pink, purple (of course) and turquoise.

It’s made of silicone and it actually feels nice with hardly any drag at all. It’s waterproof. It’s rechargeable. It has dual motors that are independently controlled through two buttons. There are three levels of steady vibration and 7 patterns. While the small end is annoyingly buzzy, the shaft is actually a little on the rumbly side. It comes with a storage pouch and it has a one year warranty³. Too bad the warranty doesn’t cover the fact that it sucks.

I rarely just flat out say that a toy is totally useless. I usually try to think of the type of person who would enjoy a toy even if I didn’t. I can’t even do that here. I honestly don’t want anyone to waste their money on the Closet Collection Lady Jadore. You might find it intriguing because it looks different from everything else and that’s why I wanted to try it. But trust me, you don’t want it. You just don’t.

The Closet Collection Lady Jadore was provided by a retailer I am no longer affiliated with, in exchange for an unbiased review.