It’s hard to be a sex toy reviewer when your libido is in the shitter and unfortunately, that’s where I am now. Why? Who knows? I struggled with a nonexistent libido for a long time. Maybe it was depression. Maybe it’s the birth control pill. Maybe, it’s just me.
Then my shrink increased one of my meds to the highest possible dose and my libido took off like a rocket. It was truly wonderful. Dizzyguy and I were having sex almost as frequently as when we first met, which I know, made him very happy.
But it would seem that the effects of that med adjustment have worn off. There are other symptoms too. I can’t seem to get really excited about much of anything these days. I have no motivation and put off doing things that I need to for far too long. All I want to do is sleep. Sounds like depression to me.
But I’m not crying at all and I’m not having suicidal thoughts. My irritability isn’t at ridiculous levels like it usually is when I’m depressed. So, maybe what I’m dealing with is like… depression lite.
I was kind of wrong about one thing. Since the weather has been warming up and I’m seeing my garden come to life, I am excited about getting back into gardening and spending time out on the deck. Dizzyguy and I really love relaxing on our deck where we’re right up to the edge of the woods and we can watch the birds come and go from the feeders.
One of my favorite things in the world is when the hummingbirds get here, which should be in a couple of weeks and my butterfly garden is in full bloom and there are butterflies everywhere. Those things make me feel happy. But when it comes down to it, I don’t know how much energy I’ll really have for the gardening. I don’t seem to have energy for much of anything lately.
So, as you can imagine, being in this state makes testing sex toys and writing about it damn near impossible. I have no interest in masturbation. Ya know, it’s a cruel joke… I went so long not being able to have orgasms and now I can but I just don’t care. If that doesn’t say something’s wrong, I don’t know what does.
Feeding into the depression and anxiety, I feel crushing reviewer’s guilt like a motherfucker. I owe so many reviews and I don’t know when I’m going to be able to get them done. Talking to other bloggers/reviewers, I know that I am not alone in this. But that doesn’t make me feel much better about it.
I also need to learn to say “no” or, at least “not right now”. Because, when the wonderful companies I work with want to send me stuff, I don’t want to let them down. I haven’t been requesting review items for some time now but somehow, they keep showing up at the door. I’m not complaining. It’s wonderful that companies have such faith in me and want me to write reviews for them. And I feel so unprofessional about disappointing them when I can’t write the reviews in a timely manner.
Adding to the difficulty, I don’t think it’s a great idea to try to evaluate sex toys right now anyway. Since I’m not excited about anything, I feel like I might not give the toy a fair chance. I might think a toy is just “meh” but it might really be that I feel “meh” about everything.
I’m not sure what to do to get out of the funk. Take a break and focus on something else I enjoy (like the gardening) for awhile? Talk to my shrink about a med adjustment? Fake it until I make it?
I was so distressed about low libido in the past that I tried this herbal supplement pill (can’t remember the name) and it made me extremely ill. I don’t know if it was just the pill itself making me sick or, how it was interacting with all of my meds. But I wanted my libido back so badly that I kept taking the supplement for probably longer than I should have, considering how it made me feel and what it must have been doing to me.
I tried Zestra in the past too and my overall opinion on it is, “meh”. It’s a topical product that you’re meant to apply to the vulva and it’s supposed to increase arousal. It’s an interesting sensation but it doesn’t make me want sex. My problem is not lack of arousal, it’s lack of desire. So, I’m kind of done with trying supplements and stuff like that. It’s probably not even safe for me to take the supplements with my meds anyway.
My overall health isn’t the best it’s ever been. Well, it isn’t that exactly – I don’t feel sick. I’m just the most overweight I’ve ever been and I get physically worn out way too easily. I know I need to eat better and I know I need to exercise. Knowing it and doing it are two completely different things though. But who knows, dropping about 40 pounds would probably work wonders for my libido. It’s just feels impossible when you’re down in the funk though.
So, if the activity on my blog slows down, these are the reasons why. If I do happen to churn out a review, it’s probably because I was having a rare burst of energy, which does happen sometimes. I sincerely hope that companies can understand and that my readers don’t leave. Before I publicly admitted to feeling this way on Twitter, someone was telling me that a lot of bloggers get burned out at the three year mark. I just had my three year blogiversary last month. Coincidence? I don’t know.