It seems like there are so many terms to describe one’s sexuality. Some are politically correct and some aren’t. I don’t care much for labels but then I guess in a way, we have to have them to communicate. Otherwise sentences get much longer than they have to be or our descriptions of one another are too vague. It’s human nature to want to find ways to define things. I’ve been questioning my labels. I don’t know if it really matters much but it’s interesting to me that when I try to apply different labels, none seem to fit. At least, none feel like they fit. A lot of people probably feel this way. Sexuality can be too intricate a facet of our being for one word descriptions.
Around my mid-teens, I started having sexual thoughts about being with girls. Not any specific girl, just general fantasies. It became a main focus of what I fantasized about. For awhile I questioned if I might be bisexual. I heard rumors that a couple girls in my circle of friends were bisexual and they were messing around with each other. I longed to be included in that. I wanted to know what it felt like. They never showed any interest in me though. But then I gave absolutely NO indication of my feelings. I was scared shitless to. So, why would they pay any attention to me?
Being with a woman continued to be one of my top fantasies. I never really told anyone until I met the guy who I would later marry. I shared with him that I’d thought about it since I was a teen. He showed no judgment and I felt comfortable having shared it. So, since I was in a committed monogamous relationship with him, I never thought that I’d actually ever have the chance to fulfill my desire. And I was happily in love and it wasn’t like I longed to be with a woman but it was still something I thought of sometimes. It was like, in a different life I could have been bisexual but not in my reality.
After several years of virtual marriage (everything but the paperwork), I had been chatting with a guy on the internet who would tell me stories of how he and his wife used to be swingers. He said he missed it but since the kids came along they hadn’t been involved in it. Hearing about their adventures aroused me. The thought got stuck in my head and when that happens, it’s usually hopeless that I’ll just drop it and move on.
So one day out of the blue, I asked dizzyguy how he felt about having sex with other people. He didn’t even miss a beat and he said that it sounded like it would be something fun to try. We talked about the kinds of things we were both comfortable with and what our limits would be… the rules, if you will. As far as rules go, we didn’t have many. The fundamental rule was that we never went off alone. We would ALWAYS play together. Everything else was fine, full swap and all that.
We created a profile on that one big website where you can find adult friends. It was so exciting chatting with other couples and exchanging pictures. It didn’t take long to find a couple that we wanted to meet in person. So, we scheduled a date with the understanding that if everything felt right we were ready to play that night. And that was the night I had my first swinging experience. We went to a hotel room, swapped partners and had fairly vanilla sex but that was plenty. Just the thought of what we were doing was exhilarating. I didn’t mess around with her that first time. I think I was just too nervous about the whole experience in general but the sex with him was OK. Dizzyguy and I realized that we both felt pretty comfortable with what all happened and how it did. So, we agreed to meet with them again. Before our second date with the couple I had expressed to them that I was interested in being with her and everyone involved was into it.
And that’s how it happened, my first sexual experience with a woman. Honestly, it felt kind of strange which is pretty normal I guess. I must have been truly horrible at cunnilingus. I told her that I had never done it before and I was nervous. She was a good sport about it, though I don’t know how pleasurable it really was for her. But in all, I enjoyed the experience enough to know I wanted to do it again. And I did… with three other women before we decided that we’d stop swinging.
Then, a strange thing happened. I no longer fantasized about being with women. It’s not like I was turned off by the idea. It just never came up in my mind anymore. It was as though I fulfilled the fantasy and it no longer intrigued me like it had before. I’d satisfied my curiosity. Is that all it was? This is where I have questions. Back then I guess the label “bicurious” fit me, even though I hate that word but it seems like that’s what I was. I was exploring my sexuality, not really committing to anything one way or another. What about now though? I don’t fantasize about it anymore. I did enjoy it when it happened but now, I’m not interested in actively pursuing it. That said, if we were in a situation where it could happen again, I’d totally be into it. So what does that mean? I don’t feel like I’m bisexual but I’m no longer curious. Still, I’d do it again given the chance… but I’m not trying to make it happen.
What do you think? Is there a label for this? Does it even matter? What would I call myself? Formerly curious?I thought I’d share this for my Wicked Wednesday contribution. Want more wickedness? Click below.
Like many others, I do not like labels, but I totally agree with you that sometimes we need the words to describe ourselves. I also find it interesting that you do not fantasize about other women anymore. I was like you, interested in women from somewhere in my teens, but once I was with a woman, I longed to do it again. And again. And. Again.
Rebel xox
That’s a really interesting question. I am beginning to question whether I am “bisexual” or “heteroflexible” and what that all means. I am not one to go out looking for relationships but I have fantasies of both sexes and if the opportunity presents itself… but it because I don’t “advertise” I end up with mostly male contacts.
~Kazi xxx
Hmmmm how we define ourselves…or how we define ourselves to fit into the culture we live in. I think it is very hard to find a ‘correct’ fit and society precludes us from stepping outside the hetro, bi, gay/lesbian boxes. It makes it difficult for us to check out what we might like doing and if we are not brave it can stop us dead in our tracks. It is a shame and it is heart breaking. On the other hand, blogs like this (and others) give people hope…more than we realise that when we experience these thoughts, that we are not strange or odd, that it is normal. I know because I spent what seemed the longest time reading these blogs and wishing. I have many things still to do…but at least now I am brave enough to do them.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Rachel x
Best I can come up with is….life is complicated?
I have written this many time now but I believe the key with labels is define them for YOU don not be defined by them
Mollyxxx
An interesting experience. I too have fantasized about being with another women. I also find the porn I tend to watch is lesbian orientated. I’m thinking that has more to do with how it’s shot, versus the het porn. I’m not big into insertion, so I think that’s mostly why I don’t watch porn with guys in it. I usually read erotica while I have porn in the background with lots of kissing in it (if it has a lot of moaning I turn it off and find something else).
I’ve also sometimes thought it would be fun to do a foursome with my husband’s friends who are currently engaged to each other and have an open relationship. My husband is bisexual, but he does prefer women over men. And I’m 99% positive if I put my interests out there that the woman would totally agree to have sex with me since she has mentioned in passing before how beautiful I am. I actually wrote a fictional encounter for the TMI Tuesday that asked about multiple partner encounters and what I would like to happen if it were to happen.
In real life, I’m not sure if I could handle seeing my husband with someone else. I’m a very jealous person, and it fills me with jealousy and envy when he’ll sometimes mention his past girlfriends (who he’s still in contact with because he’s too nice of a guy and has remained distant friends with them). He once said it’s my own fault I have no friends because his exes are willing to be my friends, but I don’t want to be theirs. I tried to explain that I couldn’t possibly be good friends with anyone who has seen my husband naked and seen his expression when he comes or got to enjoy thoroughly his love of cunnilingus (which I can’t because of my stupid problem). He still doesn’t quite understand, he probably would get it if I had an ex boyfriend who I was currently friends with. But he as my first, so there really is no other aside from a brief encounter with an older guy that didn’t go well.
I would say heteroflexible or flexible is the closest term to what you’ve experienced. You’re open to same-sex relationships but not actively pursuing them, but if that doesn’t work for you then don’t use it!
For years I called myself bisexual because I thought that was the only option I had but it kinda squicked me every time I said it, it just didn’t feel right, at least not for me. When people asked what I was I usually just kinda floundered around and mumbled something about “Um yea, I like girls too.” or something else lame like that. Then one day I heard the word Queer and it was like a light bulb went off and I went “Oh! That’s what I am!” I’ve come across a few of my identities that way, I hear them and they just make sense for me.
Just keep yourself open to new words, one day you’ll find something that works for you, there are hundreds if not thousands out there! Until then, just be you, “I am Dizzygirl and my sexuality is complicated just like everyone else’s, I don’t have a word for it yet but I’m getting there!”
I appreciate the post you wrote on various labels. I agree with you, heteroflexible really seems to fit. I admit, I’m not the most educated when it comes to all the different gender and sexual identities and for a long time, I was really confused by it all. But your post helped clear some things up for me.
My pussy gets red like this when I’m horny http://tiny.cc/gz35vz
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